Everything happened so fast
by MylesowaHudson
Summary: Another drama/angst one shot, this time Magnus' thoughts, after episode 1x13. Enjoy. Oh, and P.S. I have no clue what's in my head, it just happened. *I don't own this quote I used in the end, it's from Ruelle's song "Bad Dream"*
I sat in favourite chair and sighed, mixing my drink with my index finger. I felt awful and happy in the same time.

I was happy because a couple hours ago Alec kissed me in front of the entire Institute and important members of the Clave at his own wedding. That was like a dream coming true. His sweet lips, warm breath and hands on Magnus' lapels – what to want more, right? But then... yeah.

" _You don't regret it, don't you?"_

" _Everything happened so fast"_ \- that not an answer I expected. I though he was gonna say something like: "No! Magnus... I... Uhm... I have to go...?" and then maybe blush and... what was I thinking?! But I can't be mad at him, I get this whole fight in his soul, I know his parents are angry as hell... And still I can't stop feeling sad. I mean, hey, Magnus, you kissed someone you... love or something. Why are you complaining?

Oh right.

Maybe because you're sitting alone in your loft, watching an old photography of you, Ragnor and Camille with knowledge Alexander is somewhere in the Institute, thinking about immortality.

 _Damn you, Camille._

I felt lost, like really lost. I can be a High Warlock of Brooklyn, but even my magic cannot fight loneliness. Everyday I try to act like an happy, sarcastic warlock, full of glitter, fashionable and charming but when I'm alone...

I was sure Alec can fix my heart, but it looks like I have to fix his first. I'm starting to wonder... Maybe there's no way for me to be happy? Maybe it's just my destiny? Chasing the happiness with no way to succeed.

What's the point? I'm gonna fall in love, again with mortal one? Actually, I tried once, twice. Every time hurts as hell. Alexander is different, I know that. He's sweet. Like a... like a candy. His name tastes really delicious that's why I like pronouncing it so much. But this won't change anything.

Do I want to risk and show my heart again? Crash the walls I build around me? If I let someone so close... closer means more painful.

But hey, what are you thinking about, stupid warlock?

" _Everything happened so fast"_

Well, I guess I know what he was gonna say next: I didn't have time to think, I regret it now, so just leave me alone, blah blah blah.

Admit it, Magnus, you involved already?

Of course you did.

 _Angel blood..._

He's an angel. But maybe more like a demon? Beautiful but dangerous? Think twice, Bane, you're so old and still so naive. Maybe you **want** a heartbroken? Still, he didn't even say he likes you. Not to mention love! What are you doing?

God, I'm becoming a crazy one, I'm talking to myself... Alec, my sweet Alec. My little flower. Where is he? Why not here? I'm just perfect right now, I can make drinks and offer warmth of my arms! No? You won't come, peas? Fine...

Speaking of which, I hope you're fine... I can't lose another person I care about. See? I care about you, my dear. So why do you have second thoughts? You don't want me? Why would you, huh? I'm a warlock. Downworlder. BANE. Nothing. And you are perfect, angel one with soft, dark hair, big eyes and everything. It will be better for you to marry Lydia. She's great. Lydia Lightwood. Sounds amazing, you should do that. I shouldn't came to the wedding... Ragnor told me to go...

Hey, Ragnor! You see?! Your advice was a garbage! You said I can fix everything! And now... Wait, you told me to fight? So I did. I came. Alec did the rest. And what? I'm here again, alone again! Where are you?

You left me too... Like Camille, like Alexander... Like everyone I loved... And I'm just all by myself. One warlock on the big world. Powerful? Nonsense. Weak like a baby.

Magnus, you're immortal warlock and you can't stop feeling? Just try not to feel. Focus... Close your eyes. Okay. Now think about Al... Okay, stop. It's not working. Do you feel the blood? Your heart is bleeding. These are bloody tears of your despair.

 _Magnus?_

What?

 _Stop talking to yourself._

Oh. Right. I'm insane. Great. Where's my vodka?

About vodka... Alexander, remember our drinks? You wrinkled your little nose so sweet... First time isn't really good when it comes to drinking. If you are old like me you need a lot to be drunk. I'm not. I'm drunk with longing, ya know? Come to me, baby. I can give you whatever you want. I'm here. You can just fall asleep in my arms. Where did you go, I don't remember... I woke up Jocelyn... And you went somewhere. Didn't even say "goodbye" to me. Hey, are you another one? I should make a list. "People I loved who abandoned me". But it's a thing – there's one I still love.

That's funny.

I love you, I really do. Alec. I know you don't feel same about me. Doesn't matter. Just be here with me and I'll be fine. Will you come...?

Well, maybe I should really think about it. Why I'm still alive? It kills me. What a paradox. Being alive is killing me. Sounds like bad comedy, C class. I need to sleep. Last time I slept was two days ago.

Alexander, I need you in my bed. I need you to hug me... You're here? I know you are not. But... It's okay to check. Maybe... twice?

Alec?

Nope. Still nothing.

I'm done with this glitter-warlock thing. I'm exausted. I can't do that anymore. Not without Alexander.

Just finish your drink and go to sleep.

Alone?

You can always call for Camille...

Haha, funny, Magnus. Alexander won't come. Even _I_ know that.

Good. So... What now?

" _Feels like I'm frozen,  
Nowhere to run.  
Nowhere to run, from here.  
These walls are closing,  
Closing me in.  
Wearing me thin, with fear"_


End file.
